Since Jensen Huang stepped down as the CEO of Nvidia amid revelations of his affair with an alleged Chinese intelligence asset, the whole internet has been consumed with terror. If this can happen to Jensen Huang, the seemingly happily married, leather-jacket-clad leader of the Most Valuable Chip Company in the World, it can happen to anyone! Can’t it?
Fortunately, I have devised a quiz. Ask your partner some simple questions and gauge their responses to determine whether or not you are being honeypotted.
(1) What should we do tonight?
a. What if I told you some fun facts about an interest we do not share and then we went to bed early?
b. Whatever you want to do, babe!
c. How about we [unprintable] on a pile of your favorite chips and then we send them all over the globe, randomly? Definitely to China, though.
d. Let’s go down to the waterfront and eat some bread!
(2) Would you still love me if I were a worm?
a. Probably not. But as a worm, you would lack the higher brain functions to find this fact disappointing, and we would part ways amicably.
b. You bet, babe!
c. If as a worm you still had access to proprietary information about CPUs.
d. I WOULD LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING! I WOULD DEVOUR YOU.
(3) Are there any secrets you haven’t told me?
a. Probably?
b. Babe, I tell you everything!
c. No! But I like the idea of sharing secrets! Do you have any secrets you want to tell me?
d. I have a cloaca.
(4) How did we meet?
a. Why are you asking me this? You were there. I have to get up in the morning.
b. Love at first sight, babe!
c. The classic way. You were signing a woman’s chest. I was there for normal business reasons.
d. At the park, by the waterfront. You had bread.
(5) Do you want to come with me on my official trip to China with President Trump?
a. No.
b. Only if you want me there, babe!
c. (Sexily) Yes
d. Ordinarily I would love to, but I have to sit on these eggs.
(6) What do you love most about me?
a. Why are you asking me all of these questions? Is this one of those memes about being a spy?
b. Everything about you!
c. How good you look in your leather jacket!
d. When you have bread in your pocket.
(7) If I weren’t the billionaire CEO of a wildly successful company that makes a restricted chip, would you still love me?
a. Well, you aren’t, and I do!
b. You bet, babe!
c. Obviously, but I do think it’s really, really cool that you are! But obviously I would. Although we probably wouldn’t have met if you weren’t! But obviously I would.
d. Yes, if you still had access to bread.
(8) Talk dirty to me.
a. I took the trash out already so we can go to bed early.
b. (Growls.)
c. Baby, this bra must be a restriction on the export of sensitive high-tech goods, and you must be the Commerce Department, because I want you to Take! It! Off!
d. (Quacks.)
(9) What frightens you?
a. Losing the people I love; having a bug fly into my mouth.
b. Spending even a second without you, babe!
c. The Commerce Department’s export-control list.
d. LOUD NOISE! DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS! SOUNDED LIKE A PREDATOR.
(10) What’s something you wish I would do for you?
a. Watch even a single Hallmark movie voluntarily.
b. Just be yourself, babe!
c. Complete this multifactor authentication.
d. Help me get my long, beautiful neck out of this bag of chips.
Answer Key:
Mostly A’s: Your partner is likely not a spy.
Mostly B’s: Your partner could be a spy; more info needed.
Mostly C’s: Your partner is almost certainly a spy.
Mostly D’s: Your partner is a duck.
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