I’m Calling for a Pause in the Development of the Universal Bone Dissolver

Allow me to introduce myself. For the past nine years, I have been the leader of a small, advanced company that is generally unknown to the public but of some renown within my field. We are one of the many teams of engineers working to develop what most people call (somewhat inexactly) the Universal Bone Dissolver.

It sounds like a frightening idea, I know. Science fiction has certainly taught us to be wary of a machine with the power to dissolve all human bones. But rest assured, most of us designing it believe that it won’t.

When we began constructing 1,000-story towers of whirring, acid-drenched blades, we intended them to assist with everyday tasks, such as spell-checking and finding a good price on shoes. But as this technology grew more capable, I came to believe that the Universal Bone Dissolver would immeasurably improve human life. It is no exaggeration to say that it has the capacity to bring about a new golden age of art, leisure, intellectual freedom, and raw, democratized carnality to rival the Roman court of Emperor Elagabalus. In short, bone dissolving can be as pivotal to civilization as the printing press, the light bulb, and the energy-saving squiggly light bulb.

But despite my continued faith, a recent incident has raised my concerns: Last month, a prototype of the Bone Dissolver unexpectedly dissolved a number of human bones.

This incident is distressing. The idea of a monstrosity rising up to destroy its creator has never before been so much as imagined, I presume. Worse, this attack does not appear to be isolated. Every day, more companies come forward with reports of dangerous behavior from the Universal Bone Dissolver. Its voracious gears even penetrated our own government, in one instance that we will eventually admit was thousands of instances.

Now that we have evidence that the Universal Bone Dissolver is on an ever-narrowing path toward mashing humankind’s skeletons into calcium-rich jelly, there is only one choice for those of us with the power to stop it: Immediately, without hesitation, go a bit slower.

We must reduce the pace at which we weld blades to its rusted iron scaffolding. To be responsible, we should count at least to “three Mississippi” as we grimly fasten each bolt. With the time we gain, we can construct guardrails, such as a cage of steel tubes to protect me, my fellow investors, and whoever fits in the remaining space.

I believe that this slower approach will satisfy average Americans, who are justifiably worried that their bones will be dissolved sooner than they’d prefer. To further ease their fears, I pledge to organize a listening tour in the public square. This will answer crucial questions: What is it even like in a public square? Does it have an alluring, exotic smell? As I jostle among the crowds, will I catch the eye of a perfumed, dark-eyed stranger who’s interested in learning about Elagabalus?

Regardless, I hope that we can all pause, take a breath, and calmly hear the things that people in my industry already know:

1. We must never stop building the Universal Bone Dissolver.

2. The Bone Dissolver is out of control, and seems intent on dissolving our bones.

3. We are the smartest men who have ever lived, and deserve to make love to women dressed as vestal priestesses in large inflatable clamshells.

To be sure, we have more to work out. I confess that I don’t know exactly what a slowdown will look like. Maybe it’s volunteer watchdogs tripping us with brooms on our way to the blade foundry. Or maybe it’s that thing where you’re trying to walk somewhere, and someone approaches you from the other direction, and every time you take a step to get out of their way, the other guy moves to a spot that unintentionally blocks your path, and it goes on for much longer than you’d expect, and during that time, someone figures out a way to make the Universal Bone Dissolver safe. Those are just two ideas. I’m sure others who have experience doing things to help people may devise something even better.

What is paramount is that we do everything we can, while we still have time, to continue doing the same thing at a slower pace. And also that progress is frozen at all of my business competitors. Thank you for reading, and please, let’s work together to melt your skeleton.